Question Submitted: Why am I always the one to reach out to my boyfriend? Sometimes it's days between when I hear from him and I'm always the initiator.

I think it really depends on his communication style.

I’m answering this based on the assumption that you’re in a healthy relationship together, and that it isn’t a one-sided thing, or not an uneven situation.

And, that he has not said anything along the lines of “I don’t know what this thing is between us,” or anything such as, “We can get together but I’m not the relationship type,” which oftentimes translates to a polite way of saying, “I have the feeling you’re into a relationship with me, but I’m just not sufficiently feeling it with you and never will.”

I’m assuming that this is a relationship is an equal partnership, not unrequited and is like I said before, a healthy relationship.

Believe it or not, many guys can actually talk to their loved one on say, Monday, and not again until Friday and still feel the exact same adoration and care just as much. The span of time between texts or phone calls doesn’t mean he doesn’t care any less. It’s likely just his style of communication. And based on what you’re describing, it is because he’s been that way for a while now.

While in the beginning of a relationship he might find himself communicating more frequently, especially because you’re just getting to know one another, now you’re in a relationship so he communicates as he’s comfortable doing. Your communication in your relationship now has a kind of a set pattern he’s used to: you reach out, he knows you will, so he talks with you when you do.

Since you’ve mentioned it’s usually you who’s doing the reaching out, he probably kind of expects that you’ll eventually reach out, so he doesn’t really feel the need to be the one to reach out. Unless of course you want to advise him that you prefer that he be the one to reach out, and let him know the frequency you prefer.

Letting him know that you prefer a relationship partner who communicates every day instead of every few days, and letting him know you prefer that he be the initiator and then not continuing to be the initiator yourself as practice (which may take time on your part) can help you create the different communication pattern more to your preferences.

While I’m sure he’s a great guy, he’s not a mind reader (no one is) so communication is key, especially with regard to your communication style. You can bring up this subject in a non-pressuring way, just mentioning it once and then sticking by it yourself. If you mention it repeatedly or correct him when you don’t hear from him, he might register it in his mind that this isn’t as important of a subject as it really is to you. Hearing it once and then sticking by your communication boundary as such should do the trick.

Don’t be offended if he says he’s not used to talking with his partner daily. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to please you. It just means he isn’t used to doing that. He may or may not understand that this is your preference, and he may or may not be able to immediately change the way you guys have been in this communication pattern, especially if it’s been this way for a long time.

If he ultimately doesn’t show any interest in making you happy with adjusting the communication or if he says he doesn’t care to, then that’s when I’d start to consider how invested he is in the relationship. Ideally, a healthy relationship means both partners are willing to make certain changes, especially necessary ones. It will be up to you to decide how necessary a change in communication frequency is, as far as what that means to you.

Also keep in mind that he may be someone who mainly chats like that when he’s moved to, or when he’s making plans, etc. Certain personalities like lots of chatting, others mainly do it when making plans, and then there’s people who are in between.

I hope this helps you! Blessings xo

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