Question Submitted: How do I fall back in love with my partner / get them to fall back in love with me?

This shouldn't be considered as marriage therapy advice, but it's food for thought: taken from a blog in 2015

I recently had a person come to me for advice because she's in quite a quandary. Actually, I've had this question so many times I can't even count. But for the sake of this article, I'll tell you about my friend, Grace. She is a good person. Through and through. She's probably one of the kindest people you could ever hope to meet. She has amazingly high empathy, a kind heart and she's genuine, honest and just plain sweet. Grace is married to a decent man but she ended up falling in love with someone she met by happenstance. As many catalysts happen to meet, it was by chance and in her case, at work. This new connection awakened feelings in Grace she thought weren't even there, let alone asleep. 

As you can imagine, an attraction formed and a relationship ensued. The only thing is, is that Grace knows she doesn't want to leave her partner. She says she wants to remedy the relationship and repair the connection between her husband and herself, but she just isn't feeling anything that's pulling her toward him anymore. The thing is, once that relationship with her workmate came to a close and she came to this realization, she decided in earnest that this was her choice: to reconcile her marriage. While they get along alright, there's just this big elephant in the room so to speak and that elephant is doing a tap dance there. So, how can she find happiness?

Let me be the first to say that sometimes, marriage or long term relationships can be tough. As a matter of fact, a study I once read showed that for a marriage lasting say, 50 or so years partners will tend to fall in and out of "passionate love" with one another an average of 25 times. While they still might be in "like" with their partner, they long to experience that old flame. Or, maybe that flame of passion never really existed in the first place. So, how to make that flame happen?

While it's rarely going to happen overnight, it does happen. If it happens to be your personal choice to remedy a relationship that you're just not feeling the spark for, these steps can help. With a little effort, patience and a clear mind, there's no reason why a person can't make this happen for themselves should they so choose. I always tell people they have a choice. Just because you have gone in a certain direction doesn't mean that you can't change your mind, or decide to remedy and reconcile a relationship. I've even seen this happen when they were the only one of the two who wanted it.

Here are some steps you can begin taking right now to begin your process.

1. Stay calm, don't panic and be kind to them - and to yourself.  As basic as this may sound, maintaining a clear and calm mind and thinking process will do wonders for you. Also, if you panic this creates negative energy between you and we know what this can cause: tension and pressure. Don't pressure them or yourself because it's no fun for either. If you're thinking, "I have to do this," it's going to just drive you to distraction. Instead, simply give yourself permission to relax and regroup...and take it one day at a time. "Just for today, I'm going to be nice to my partner." And "Just for today, I'm going to relax and give myself permission to do so." I sound like Dr. Usui right now but this way of thinking really does work.

2. Put on your positive sunglasses.  I know, you were expecting to hear "rosy sunglasses." Yep, positive outlook. In other words, viewing your partner through a critical lens will cause more criticism and they immediately become "more wrong." When we view them as and communicate with them as positive they immediately become "more right." For example, instead of saying "Why don't you ever walk the dog?" That can be phrased as "It would really make me happy if you would walk the dog." Do you see how the need was communicated but in a positive spin? A positive spin always receives a positive result. When we give our partner a criticism, then they become "wrong" and "bad" in their mind and in ours, and the tone becomes negative. Spin to the positive.

3. Make them instantly wonderful.  Sounds like I want you to wave a magic wand. Actually, this works in a similar manner in my opinion. Begin paying attention to the aspects of your partner's personality that please you. Spend a bit more time with them and then begin to write these traits down on paper so that you can see them. The traits are of course up to you, but things like "the way my partner smiles at me," or "the way they care for me when I'm sick," or even "the way they put me first in any situation, no matter what," or perhaps "the way they cook with me after a long day of work makes me feel like we're a real team," can be ideas. Focus on these traits and then begin doing those particular things with your partner. (Cooking, smiling, being supportive and so on.) 

4. Have "together time" and also "your own time."  In other words, it's important to have shared interests but also do the things that you, yourself enjoy apart from your partner. Enjoy yourself, enjoy them and enjoy things together as a team. Having something that you enjoy that your partner can occasionally enjoy along with you and vice versa is also great. Make sure though that you're also taking enough time on your own so that you are able to maintain healthy individuality as well as foster a sense of teamwork and unconditional love.

5. Be forthcoming with your partner.  If you have not felt like being very passionate lately, chances are they sense this already. You don't want to verbalize any of your feelings that may hurt their feelings, rather simply be authentic by saying something such as, "I just wanted to remind you of how I love you unconditionally and that I appreciate you, though we haven't spent very much time together as of late." In other words, give them positive validation through your words. 

6. Be affectionate the right way.  Studies show that couples who maintain a sense of intimacy do better in the long run because physical intimacy reinforces connection. Everyone knows how Oxytocin (the neuropeptide) promotes feelings of bonding, trust and devotion according to studies. Being affectionate creates this neuropeptide in the brain. When you're hurried or stressed-out, then you're unable to truly relax with your partner. So, take the time that your relationship (and you) deserve to spend quality time together. 

7. Create that connection and spark.  I know, easier said than done. Really, it is basically going to come down to one's thinking about their partner in a new light as well as looking back at why you fell in love with them (or decided to be with them) in the first place. What do you admire in them? What about them do your find attractive? Maybe they have changed since you first met. We are not trying to say that we don't change, grow or evolve as people but who we are at the core usually remains pretty much who the person is. So, look for aspects within your partner that you can like, admire and love. 

Now, there are some couples who basically barely communicate. Glorified roommates. I once met with a woman who really, really wanted to save her relationship and she was the only one who wanted to do so, and the only thing she could come up with about her husband (that was remotely nice) was that she "appreciated that he doesn't go carousing" and she "admired and appreciated that he packed the kids' lunches for school on Tuesdays, which is her gym day." Mmmkay...well, at least it's something, right? (Circumstances changed slightly for privacy.) 

The thing is though, she isn't alone here. There's a lot of people out there who have little communication with their partners, therefore the bonds become weaker over time. However, she was able to find at least ONE remotely redeeming quality which meant she was able to set the foreground of their reconciliation.  

The thing is, you are probably like my friend in the respect that you just want what everyone else wants: happiness. And, you want to like and be attracted to the one you're with. 

Creating passion or attraction from long ago is actually as simple as reminding yourself and your partner of long ago. 

For divine males, we know men are visual creatures so we would send a message or make a statement verbally of happier times and be very visually descriptive. Keep it non-pressuring and friendly. Light, easy, happy. Have a logical reason too because we know divine males are deeply logical-minded as well as being visual. An example might be, "I was looking through some old photos here of us, remember our first date? I wore __ and we went to the __ and they served you the cold food at the __ restaurant? By the way, did you want these old pics?" 

This will jar a memory, an emotion and create a spark in them. Their spark will likely create one in you as a response to theirs. Like attracts like. Your spark will create another in them. And so on...

For a divine female, she's emotional and thought-focused, so we will reach out to her with something that will resonate just with her. An example might be, "I was just looking through some old pics of us and these reminded me of the trip we took to ___ and I remember you said ___ which really made me smile. I knew right then that you were someone very special. You made me feel so loved, I hope I make you feel the same way. You mean so much to me. What was your favorite day of the trip?"

Asking them a question will help the conversation continue. If you happen to be speaking with a partner who is an even balance of male and female energies, then we will look to what you feel most pulled toward, one direction or the other or you can use an even balance of both visual reminders as well as emotional reminders within your message.

Tell them how you feel: Do they make you proud to be with them? Do they make you feel safe? Do they make you feel loved? Taking conversation such as daily conversation to a slightly deeper level and then sharing how they make you feel creates a spark. Sparks fly and play off one another creating energy. You've heard that term, "Sparks between that couple are flying," right? This is how this begins. Sometimes it begins with just a look at the other's direction and sometimes it's cultivated over time. This is an example of how it's sometimes cultivated over time. Suffice it to say, sometimes relationships need a little "boost." Hopefully this will help you.

Anyway, I hope this helps you. I wish you blessings. xoxo



1 comment

Rj Rain

Hi!, i was reading your blog. There’s onething, i have never seen samesex partners. Does this work with that kind of relationship as well?

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