How To: Spot & Handle Toxic People

I thought I'd write this blog post because the majority of the people who come here to read are extremely sensitive and enlightened souls, and many are on the path to spiritual enlightenment. When you're sensitive, this means you possess a high level of empathy. With high levels of empathy, this means that you're going to be someone who "tunes into" the feelings of others. In other words, if someone is hurting you'll likely be able to empathize with that pain. If someone is happy, you'll be able to be happy for them and experience some of that pleasure right along with them. 

Sometimes though, being an extremely sensitive soul can have its downfalls too. For example, when you have to do or say something that someone doesn't want to hear, such as saying no to someone, you always try to make it nice, polite and tactful. Tact and diplomacy can only go so far though, with those who know no boundaries, respect or honor. Being someone of high empathy or someone who happens to be very sensitive can sometimes put you in difficult positions with these types of individuals.

For the purposes of this article, we will use an example of using the word, "NO." I'm choosing this example because I have so many sensitive spirits around me who, when they try to stand their ground on something or stick up for themselves in any manner, they end up trampled upon. This article will hopefully assist those of you who have trouble when it comes to defending yourself, standing firm in your convictions and saying "no," when necessary in order to protect yourself. Hopefully, this article will assist those who are sensitive and empathetic and just too kind for their own good.

There are some people in this world who just don't understand and accept the word NO. Remember, it isn't your job to be a "yes" girl or guy to anyone. They want you to change your NO into a MAYBE and then finally to a YES to appease them. Why? Because they feel that they deserve the YES for whatever reason, and your NO holds no water with them. So, why is this? 

Your initial response of NO - for whatever reason you gave the NO - was right, yet they refuse to respect it. The reason people don't take no for an answer or argue when you stand firm in your convictions and stand your ground on whatever it may be, is because they know no honor, no boundaries, and no respect. The problem resides within them, not you.

I am not referring to people who say, "Are you sure?" I'm referring to those who refuse to listen and argue the point to no end, stating their cases over and over again, or demand that they get "their way." Those who know no boundaries, no honor, no respect or possess any understanding of others let the word NO pass through their ears and usually insist on getting their way. Often, no matter at what cost or who they harm in the process. They'll even argue the point ad nauseam. Sociopaths, narcissists and flat out psychos are particularly skilled at this technique of arguing their case for a YES. Just ask any victim of domestic violence or victims crimes or of serial killers, if you can find one living. I'm fairly confident that they said NO many, many times to no avail.

Trust your initial instinct. If NO was your initial instinct and was your initial answer, they should respect it. They don't have to like it, but to demand a different response from you - especially repeatedly - is just wrong, and you likely will already have a sense of knowing about this - so stick to your guns, so to speak. 

Do not be someone else's doormat. 

You do not "owe" anyone your yes, and you have the divine right to stand firm in your own ideals and convictions.

It isn't your job to make the other person happy with your response. You should always be nice, always be tactful, but always stay true to yourself.

Command the respect that you deserve.

My friend, a therapist, has a patient who doesn't like the word NO. As a matter of fact, there were far more than 50 emails going back and forth with my friend being extremely nice and polite, even trying to help and assist way beyond the proverbial call of duty, this man who refuses to take no for an answer to something he's seemingly demanding. The man argues, states his reasoning and my friend always responds politely. I said, "Stop responding. There is no argument to have. The answer is NO and is not going to change. This goes way beyond the call of what this patient even sees you for in the first place, and just look at these emails, how much time does that take? Clearly, this person knows no boundaries, no respect and no honor. State your no and walk away." 

Now, if it's that easy for a very empathetic and kind therapist to fall into that kind of narcissistic trap of "I want, I want, I want, I want," what do you think it might be like for someone who isn't versed in the realm of dealing in the line of work as a therapist? This is the reason for my article, today. I want to help other sensitive souls out there who are too kind for their own good. 

You see, the difficult part of saying NO is not the NO itself, it's that we're all trained to be so overly empathetic and kind. Toxic people tend to pressure and those with high empathy almost always wind up on the receiving end of that pressure. Toxic people pressure and when they do not get their way, they have sometimes tantrums like children or even threaten or retaliate.

"If I get what I want, then I'll do ___."

"If I get what I want, then I won't do ___."

KNOW HOW TO SPOT TOXIC PEOPLE WHEN YOU SEE THEM. 

While no one is perfect by far, toxic people are usually the ones who end up being the ones who inflict this type of harassment (yes, it's in fact a FORM OF BULLYING) on others. They don't understand the word NO, or "IT'S JUST NOT POSSIBLE," or "NO THANK YOU." Think for a moment about telemarketers. They call and pressure you for a YES at no end. No one enjoys those, and there are actually laws that have been created to protect the general public from them! Why? BECAUSE IT IS A FORM OF HARASSMENT. Nowadays, if you're on the list you can actually take action against telemarketers who pressure you with sales calls. WHY? Because it's a form of harassment. Harassment is a form of bullying. Toxic people bully, not kind, sensitive souls who have empathy. And yes, email harassment also transpires as well. Just think about all of the spam you get each day in your junk folders and consider what happened to my friend as described, above. That man harassed and bullied my friend to no end - because that man has no honor, respect or empathy for the feelings or needs of others.

The next time someone harasses you or bullies you, please remember that it's okay say NO. Maybe they want you to buy something or maybe they want you to agree to do something for them, or maybe they want to just knock someone down because they can. 

Think about breakups. Let's say we have Jack and Jane and they dated for 3 months and the relationship failed. So, Jack and Jane break up. Jack doesn't like the fact that Jane isn't his girlfriend anymore, so he harasses her through text assaults, emails, phone calls, constantly looking at her social media, and doing the exact OPPOSITE of what Jane wishes. Jack is not angry about Jane, that isn't how toxic people think. Jack in this scenario is angry about the rejection. It bruised his ego. So, Jack only thinks he wants Jane, but what he really wants is his ego to not be bruised. The bruised ego causes shame, and that's the Achilles tendon so to speak of the toxic narcissist. Jack has no actual care for what Jane wants, as a matter of fact, he does everything possible to change her mind. While there is nothing wrong with trying to get back together with an ex, the way that Jack goes about it is in a toxic manner. Jack does everything EXCEPT moving on with his life and affording Jane the simple courtesy of doing so, herself. He compares each and every girl he dates to Jane and complains to anyone who will listen that "he deserves Jane." Well, Jane doesn't think so, Jane has made her decision yet Jack won't let her alone. Jack lacks respect, understanding of empathy toward Jane and lacks honor and boundaries. Jane laid out a boundary and Jack refuses to see it, constantly wanting to cross her boundary which is extremely disrespectful. Why? Because in truth, Jack doesn't actually love Jane, he actually (hates) the fact that Jane, the ideal partner in his mind, has rejected him. That is actually the opposite of love, that's possession and that's toxic and dangerous. Again, there is nothing wrong with exes coming back together; I see that all the time. And, there's nothing wrong with missing your partner. My example here though, shows the level of toxicity in Jack and Jane's relationship. Jack in this scenario wants to control Jane to some degree and refuses to accept her decisions or respect them. 

Learn to spot toxicity when you see it. If you experience toxicity in a relationship, you want to recognize it for what it is, for your own safety and sanity. Stand firm in your convictions and in your principals. If someone does not respect you, then move as far away from that as you can possibly get. Nothing positive can result from toxicity or lack of respect. Stay safe out there! Blessings xo

 

Leave a comment

Please note, comments must be approved before they are published