How To: Know if He's NOT Cheating

Men are inherently wired to desire to spread their seed from one end of the world to the other -even the ones who are "fixed." Women know this. (Sorry, don't mean to correlate your boyfriend and the male cat.) Just an afternoon giggle. Women are on the other hand, hard wired to desire security in a relationship more so than the sexual aspects of a relationship. Many women are in relationships, some good and some bad, who worry that their partner is being unfaithful. Traditionally, cheating is characterized by new, odd and strange behavior including rendezvouses with other women. Sometimes though, we worry so much that just about anything we see or happen to "find" that we label anything new or different as strange and odd behavior. So, here are some tell tale signs of NOT cheating.

Men sometimes will implement damage control when they're with a woman they care about, as they care what she thinks. In a man's mind, the sexy pics of women that are sent to his cell from his buddies (most likely snagged off the internet) with an attached note that reads something like "This is the one I banged after the bar last night! Dude, she was hot!" Yes, it's childish and silly but even grown men still love locker room talk with their buddies. But because they know trading sexy pics, even with other guys might be misunderstood, they often delete the evidence from their phone. Guys will also delete anything else that they don't want that may cause trouble or raise questions, including messages from other women. Other women may chase your guy, and he appreciates the attentions, but he deletes the messages from the relentless desperado because he values what you think.

Men are not as specific as women when it comes to detail. We reasonably brush against many people in passing, and the average person loses 50 to 100 hairs from the head every single day. It's only common sense that those will stick to something before reaching the ground, such as someone else's clothing, especially if they're standing within a few feet of you. Finding a few hairs that are clearly not your own mean, in most cases, that your man stood within a few feet of another person. Finding duplicate looking hairs doesn't mean he's spending any time with someone else, it means he's standing or sitting within a few feet of someone else. Or, someone who wears a wig. Wigs shed like crazy, more so than a human head, especially new ones. Before you start the quizzing, find out if his grandma got a new wig.

Believe me, if you found anything like "cheating evidence" such as another woman's business card laying around out in plain view, he meant for you to see it. Men, especially men who are considering you as their serious life partner, will do this sort of thing from time to time. They will leave out what appears to be a woman's phone number written on a napkin or on a slip of paper. They'll leave out an attractive woman's business card on the table wrapped up in his keys. If you see it and become upset, he gets a reward. "I'm still important to her," he thinks to himself in delight. "Look how upset she is!" If you don't react or better yet, ignore it, he may try something even more abrupt to get your attention. This is a good thing. He is thinking, "What do I have to look forward to for the next 50 years or so, is she the jealous type? How jealous does she get? Does she trust me?" Trust is most important to a man. So, trust him. The more you trust him, the harder it will be for him to ever hurt you, including being unfaithful. Sometimes the man in question just wants attention. A compliment. "She asked where that came from. She still likes me!" (My guy recently did it with a box of food someone brought to the office for the staff. EVERY male will do this from time to time. It was very cute.) Just make him an extra nice dinner and tell him he looks extra hot that day the next time you see... "give me some attention evidence" and just smile to yourself.

It is so much easier for a man to end a relationship with a woman if he isn't married to her, even when there are children involved. While it is true that many men do stay in the wrong relationships too long, men are still logical-minded people. They know it's much easier to end a relationship with a girlfriend, even if they share a residence, than it is to get a divorce. And when they're unhappy, they will do so, and in most cases long before they meet their next relationship. While not all women behave the same way, women statistically move from relationship to relationship with little time if any, in between. Men, on the other hand, do not usually go seeking "a possible replacement." Men may end up having a raunchy night at the bar or a tryst, but statistics show that they don't typically set out to "find the new love of their lives number 2" before ending their current relationship. That said, if you're not married and he's treating you as his life partner, he probably means it.

While the man in his late 40's may be going through the motions of his well-earned mid-life crisis complete with the new red sports car, gym membership and trendy haircut and brand on suit, it doesn't mean that he also has the harem of $1000 an hour call girls to go with it. Unless he is the sultan of Brunei. Men are creatures of habit as we all are, and men traditionally do not like change, so once attached to a woman and a relationship, they don't often like to change it. They do, however, have the exact same desires women have to look attractive, especially to women (including you.)

You've been dating for 2 years and you have a standing date each weekend. On Friday nights you go out to a movie, Saturdays are spent at the park then the movies then the zoo then you go out to "your place restaurant" where you had your 1st date for dinner before packing the leftovers up to take home to the dog you adopted together before parting on Monday morning. This weekend though, he suddenly says he has plans. This is so out of the ordinary but you decide to trust him. But the paranoia gets the better of you so by Saturday night, you decide to go out to pick up some ice cream...and drive by his place. Not because you don't trust him but because you...happen to be in the neighborhood and his street is the best shortcut. Okay, if he "had plans," he was so evasive about, how come he's home? The bedroom light is on as is the light from the kind of looks like he's already in bed from here...but who owns the red car there parked on the street? It has a girlie looking bumper sticker. It says "adopt a homeless pug today." We have a pug. THAT BASTARD!

Okay, before you get all up in knots and start throwing up, which would be my initial personal reaction too, relax. Take at least 12 hours to regroup. It could be that the car has nothing to do with him, and could belong to a neighbor. Or his buddy. Or his sister, or could be a breakdown left for the tow. You don't know. Men do and will take a break from the norm and usual to just have a night alone in his shorts watching Sponge Bob and old CatDog reruns and scratch himself and see if he can still light his own farts on fire like he did in college. Seriously, they do. Even married adult men who are literally grandfathers will occasionally act as though they're back in the college dorm. 

My good friend, Rob, ended it with several girlfriends because he wasn't afforded his own autonomy and the occasional "night off." Rob has never cheated on anyone in his life and never would but like many guys, he has used this exact scenario to test the reactions of the girl. No joke. it's not nice, it's not fun and not fair, but some guys do it. Again, they want to know what they have to look forward to for the next 50 years if they marry you. So, why doesn't he just simply talk to you? Because a lot of men are all about action versus words.

When he does this, you don't react. You simply go out with the girls, or do your own thing. Going to the bar with the girls and flirting with other men? Wouldn't that hurt him if he found out? I didn't say go spend the night with a stranger, I said go out and have some fun on your own. This is his game anyway, not your game. You didn't start this, he did. You didn't even want to play in the first place. He made you play this game of "night on your own." So, you're just playing along as he has made you do and go on out and have your own fun. So, you take your night off too. Don't get upset or mad. Don't even mention it. Simply agree. When he texts you to say goodnight (because he wants to ensure you're waiting around on him) your phone died so you cannot respond and you didn't notice because you were out having a good time. He will never pull that stunt again. He will mention it again though and your response should be, "oh yeah definitely, I think we should definitely have our own nights out." With TONS of enthusiasm because you had a wonderful time last time. He will change his mind. I remember my friend Rob actually stopping and turning around halfway to the bar to meet his friends and calling me to say, "I really should get home to my girlfriend, right?" I just said, "Probably, try and catch her before she leaves, I think I saw some friends of hers pick her up." Yikes!

If you found some very clear evidence, and you are absolutely certain he has committed an offense. There is no question in your mind. You want to have a crying fit, you're genuinely in shock and your head is spinning/brain on fire. You also need answers. Go have your fit, go have your shock or whatever it is you need to have. More than anything else, you want to confront him for answers immediately...BUT. Before you confront him though, you need to give yourself a day or two to relax and think, get your head clear. When you confront him, do it calmly, quietly and be composed. Instead of slamming down the evidence and accusing him, ask. "I have been carrying this for a couple of days and I'm very upset. I trust you so I know you'll give me the truth. I've found ____. Instead of asking me how I came across this, or accusing me of going through your things, I'd like to know why I came across it in the first place here. It means a lot to me to receive the complete truth and full and forthcoming story from you. I feel I deserve that, that we both deserve that." Calm, cool and collected.

Of course, he's probably just as surprised as you are and maybe even upset, but approaching this sensitive subject with sensitivity versus anger will make all the difference and prevent potentially regretted actions or words. If there is any hope of working through his mistake, indiscretion or whatever it may be, it will be much easier to work through calmly absent of any raised voices or bickering. If you don't feel want to work through it, tell him that you need some time.

There is the mistake, and there is the mistake coupled with the lies to cover it up, remedy and attempt to repair the mess. The mistake is a lot easier to forgive than the mess/lie. Take some time to think it all through, evaluate your own feelings and communicate your feelings to your partner but don't do all three in the same day. Give yourself some time to process everything before you make any final decision. Words are permanent. 

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