Usually when we discuss signs, we oftentimes refer to the synchronicity that we notice from the universe, right? Today we're talking about the signs that may be somewhat synchronistic, but are more related to words and behaviors we can notice to gauge whether or not someone is interested in us, and we toward them.
Now that the restrictions due to the pandemic are finally lifting, people are getting out and about more often and are even able to enjoy dating!
Or, you might be in an ongoing connection with someone and you're hoping to begin taking that relationship to the next level.
If you're someone who's finally getting yourself back out there, good for you! Proud of you!
I'm often receiving the same question about what signs are that someone is in fact interested in you versus not.
Further, I'm often receiving the question asking if there are any notable signs that reflect that someone is uninterested.
Signs can be subjective and up to your own interpretation, but there are some points of interest and behaviors that can help you determine what, if any, is someone's level of interest.
How to determine whether or not someone is interested in a relationship with you:
First, you'll want to establish the baseline for the person's behavior. For example, good eye contact is a common indicator for interest however, if the person tends to make excellent eye contact with just about everyone then this wouldn't necessarily be the best indicator here.
That said, when you consider the behavior your person of interest is displaying, you're going to want to compare it to the way they behave in regard to others, especially the people you know they're not interested in romantically.
Then, you're going to want to consider their behavior toward you specifically. If there's one thing I've learned over time, it's that just because one person feels a certain way or perceives a connection to hold a certain meaning, doesn't necessarily mean the other person will agree, or feel the same way. This is why it's important to apply logic to your process when considering their behavior toward you.
When considering behavior, there are both verbal and non-verbal signs. The verbal signals are the words they use, what they say. The non-verbal signals are the unspoken, behavioral traits they exhibit toward you. If they're in fact interested, once the person is confident that you're going to reciprocate, ideally there will be an equal balance of both verbal and non-verbal signals.
First, let's take a look at the verbal signals.
- They might strike up conversations with you often, or come up with reasons to talk with you. The reasons might seem unimportant, but it's their way of trying to engage with you.
- They will open the door to conversation in an attempt to get to know you better.
They might ask you more personal questions about your likes or dislikes, or introduce topics outside the usual conversation in trying to find out more about you, to try and forge that first verbal connection.
- They might share more personal details about themselves when you're talking, or they might try to delve more deeply into your personal details.
Open communication and sharing is a way for you both to learn more about one another. This is similar to being along the lines of friendly back-and-forth banter, just on a more intense, more personal level.
- They might introduce the subject of personal and core values.
They may bring up stuff about family, spirituality or religion, how they like to spend their holidays and so on hoping you'll begin sharing yours.
- They may inquire as to whether or not you're currently in an exclusive relationship.
This may seem like a personal question but to someone who wishes to ask you out on a date, it's definitely a "need to know" kind of a thing to avoid rejection. Their objective is to discern whether or not you're actively dating and if you are, whether or not you're already taken so to speak.
- They might work into your casual conversations, subjects about your interests, likes and dislikes or hobbies.
Not only is this an attempt to get to know more about you as a whole person, but they're taking mental notes on what you might enjoy doing on a date such as what types of food you'd like most or if there's a type of food you can't stand, what kinds of restaurants you prefer, what types of activities you like to do or might want to try.
I once had a boyfriend who discussed canoeing and camping with me for several weeks before finally asking me on a hiking/canoeing picnic. Everyone has their own verbal techniques, so if they seem to be asking questions that seem kind of probing, there's likely a reason as to why.
- During your conversations you might feel as though you're on the receiving end of a sales pitch -because you are. They're going to speak in a way that reflects well on themselves, almost as though they're selling themselves to you. In a way, they actually are. They're hoping you'll like them and want to accept the invitation of the date they're about to offer you, so they're preparing.
- You might notice how they casually work into the chat, how they're single or how they are newly single, divorced or what have you, or how they are still looking for "the one." This is their way of letting you know that they're single and looking, hoping you'll pick up on that little clue and chime in with the fact that you are single and open to dating as well.
- And of course if they ask you if you'd like to meet up or go out on a date together is the most obvious display of interest.
It's always important to remember that when talking with them, you want to be as authentic and be as forthcoming honest as possible. This is because right now, they're taking into consideration what it is that you're saying and making a mental note of it all.
They're paying close attention because they're trying to get to know you and understand you better. So not only are they listening, but they will believe whatever you say.
This means that in the future if they take you, the workaholic internet content creator who hates the outdoors and is glued to their devices on a horrible trip to a place you really don't want to go such as a remote cabin with zero internet reception on your one year anniversary, it's because you told them you loved hiking and kayaking in out-of-the-way places.
Seriously, they will believe you when you share things about yourself, so make sure you're honest and authentic. Not that most people aren't honest, just saying...
I've had plenty of clients who've said to me, "How come he is always looking at other women when we're out together, and how come he took me on this miserable so-called vacation and he hasn't proposed yet, I've invested in this relationship for 3 years and I wanted to get married by age 30 and my biological clock is ticking!"
Well when you first got together, were you so excited about him and wanted him to ask you out so badly that you presented yourself as being just like him (mirroring is common in the beginning of relationships) and did you by any chance tell him when you first got together that you never wanted to get married, weren't much into exclusivity and liked to give your man lots of space, and that you, too, adored the outdoors so that he'd be guaranteed to ask you out?" The thing is, we tend to believe what we're told and it's usually the first thing we hear about a subject that we tend to stick with as "facts" in our minds.
Not only do we stick with what we initially learn about something (and this actually goes for when we learn anything about literally any subject) we not only believe it, but we stick with it. We hold our partner's words as truth as we should.
Have you ever noticed how we know that sticky messes are hard to clean up with a mere sponge, so the TV commercial doesn't say "you can clean up sticky messes with this easy gadget," nope, they know we won't believe that because we already know that sticky messes are hard to clean, so they instead say, "Are you sick and tired of sticky messes being hard to clean with a mere sponge? This new gadget makes it easy now. Try this new and improved..." See what I mean?
So be honest and forthcoming with the person because they will absolutely believe you, and if your values are different than their values are, you'll end up investing time in the wrong relationship.
People are way too polite for their own good when it comes to relationships. I mean, you don't want to be a jerk and say "I expect my man (or woman) to do this and that for me," but at least be honest about your objectives in a relationship.
If you ultimately wish to be married, be honest about that. Be truthful and authentic with yourself by being honest with your prospective partner. If you want to have had all your kids by a certain age, that's your preference but be honest about it.
Otherwise they might end up being that person in divorce court who says, "I have no clue who I married, they changed once we got married." Or you might end up wasting one another's time in a relationship all together. So to your own self be true and always be true to your partner as well.
Now, let's take a look at some of those non-verbal clues that someone is interested in you. Non-verbal signs are the signs that are behavior oriented versus spoken.
- They will make excellent eye contact with you.
- They may test the waters so to speak through gentle, light, innocuous touching.
This isn't an accidental shoulder brush, this is more like touching your hand while you're chatting, touching your waist as you're walking, and so on.
- You'll have that indication they're interested because you will likely sense this on an instinctual level.
As humans, we're all always engaging in what's called an energetic exchange. While these exchanges occur with everyone regardless of the situation or dynamic, people who are interested in one another have a kind of energetic "pull" toward one another. This can be indicated in the way people in general with whom you're having a conversation will appear to be leaning in toward you.
- Mirroring occurs. I'm not referring to the narcissistic mirroring that transpires where, say, a covert narcissist is literally copying you or trying to become you because they lack a strong sense of self-identity. The mirroring I'm referring to is when two people who are interested in one another will mirror each other verbally as well as mannerisms in an attempt to better forge a connection.
- They may come up with reasons to be in your presence or in close proximity. Now of course there's many reasons people have to be in one place or another, I'm referring to when someone chooses to be in your presence often even when there's not necessarily a specific reason, so they may do this without reason or they may come up with reasons in order to do so.
- In that excellent eye contact I mentioned above, you may notice that their pupils dilate. Our eyes are the windows to the soul, as they say. Our eyes dilate when we see something we like, or reverse when presented with something we do not.
- Their overall body language will indicate interest. They might look somewhat "puffed up" like they're gaining their confidence and as though they are proud when they're with you, and their overall body language will be open, the opposite of repulsion, as though they're constantly moving toward you and are happy, versus recoiling. This is pretty simple, of course.
- You may notice that they're a bit nervous when they're around you because their objective is to impress you, not make a fool of themselves. they may seem fidgety or even intimidated because they really want you to like them as much as they like you.
- You may notice that they're looking at you often. While it isn't uncommon for this to be mistaken; when we're looking at someone it's normal for them to look back at us in return. When someone likes you though, they'll not only look right at you and make excellent eye contact, but they will likely smile or even blush as they smile at you when they catch your eye.
- They'll flirt with you. This one is pretty easy to spot.
- They might flirt with others in your presence to see your response.
They'll be able to sense it if you don't like them flirting with others, so they'll soon stop that and return their attention toward you. People do this in order to gauge your level of interest in them.
- You'll notice that they put their best self forward.
They will reveal and show off their best attributes. Whether that's telling jokes, mentioning an accomplishment or looking their very best, think of the situation like a peacock. Peacocks have their plumes which are said to attract females, and it's similar with people. Since we don't have plumes, we have to put our best selves forward.
- They'll be very responsive.
Whether you ask them a question in conversation or send them a quick text message, you'll notice how responsive they are toward you. In other words, they're anxious and excited about keeping the conversation going.
- They'll be on point when it comes to knowing about you.
You may have mentioned something in passing but they'll recall easily the details of what it was you'd said because they were paying close attention. This ties into some of the verbal clues mentioned above.
- They will seem extremely interested and agreeable.
You might notice that they're ready to accept your opinions and views, or at least agree that they're interesting even if their views don't match your own.
So, how interested are they?
Ideally, when someone is interested it isn't just one or two of each category; not just one in the verbal and one in the non-verbal sections. Rather, you'll notice the person is genuinely interested based on a number of different factors including their behavior as well as your spoken conversation.
The best indication is of course whether or not they're asking you out directly, or are at least seemingly working their way up to doing so. Usually if someone is interested, it's pretty clear.
But what if they're giving mixed signals and you're not sure if they're interested or not? Mixed signals means that they may seem interested, but they're giving both positive as well as negative signs, or that you can't quite figure them out because they're being delivered in a way that seems difficult to understand or determine.
Mixed signals are confusing at best, so let's look at the signs that point to a lack of interest which should help you differentiate between interest or the lack thereof.
How do you know if they're uninterested?
It stands to logical common sense that pretty much all of the above would go in the opposite direction, right?
If someone is not interested you might also sense that in your exchanges, or you might pick up on their lack of interest through their behaviors and conversation. There are of course times we might mistake someone's casual interest for something more, too.
Here are some signs that someone is not interested, or that there exists an interest differential.
- They're nice to you and you enjoy fun times and conversation with them, but they never ask you out or imply that they're interested in more than, say, a friendship.
- If they've mentioned (or if you already know) that they're already in a relationship, or that they're otherwise unavailable in any way.
- If they have set a boundary with you such as "It's fine for us to chat at work, but when we chat outside of work I prefer to limit our conversation exclusively to subjects involving work."
- If they appear to be trying to avoid you.
- There can also be differentials in relationship interest shown through intimacy.
An example would be such as someone who calls you only when they're hoping for sex, but never or rarely actively pursues any contact or much contact with you outside of these instances.
- If they've set a personal emotional boundary with you such as saying, "I'm not ready for / interested in a relationship."
What that usually translates to is "I am not interested in a relationship with you, I'm only interested in friendship or sex, etc.," or whatever your current relationship connection status is.
- If there exists a relationship interest differential such as you being available to them, but they're rarely returning the favor.
In other words, you're willing to meet their needs but they're making it clear either through words or behavior that they're unwilling or unable to do the same.
- If they're always mentioning their ex or another relationship partner, this indicates they still have strong feelings for that other person.
This is especially true if they're spending time with another person versus with you.
- If they seem ambivalent toward, or hypocritical with you.
For example, if they speak highly of commitment yet they have multiple partners and have not made any commitment to you yet you're available for commitment and you've made it clear to them that you desire commitment.
- If they are avoidant toward you and make no efforts to change this behavior.
This isn't just general avoidance, I'm referring to someone whom you've spoken with about their behavior and they've made no effort to change.
- If they are unresponsive.
While many people, especially men are not prolific texters, if you reach out to them and they rarely if ever respond, or if they do not respond favorably, this is an indication of lack of interest.
- If they've in any way implied or said directly that they're not interested.
This is of course another one that goes without saying.
While it's common for people to discuss relationships in terms of twin flame or soulmate in terms of saying that it's negative to be speaking from a space of "I don't have" and "lacking," when we are actually hoping for the relationship to come to fruition, we have to ask the question whether or not this is actually idealizing the perfect love, especially when it comes to relationships that appear to be one-sided or unrequited. Clearly if someone rejects another person, this is an indication of lack of interest.
It isn't uncommon for those with trauma bonds to experience activation of their trauma bonds in a certain relationship due to rejection, and instead of recognizing that relationship for what it is, to label it with a term such as soulmate or twin flame in order to avoid the invalidation and pain that goes along with rejection.
I've also seen folks who believe that because their trauma bonds were activated due to rejection in a relationship they've termed twin flame or soulmate, they take it a step further by believing that the rejection occurred in order to help them recognize their traumas and get onto a path of healing.
While there's certainly nothing wrong with healing and while inner growth and soul evolution is said to be a lifelong process, I'm not sure it's healthy to affix a label of soulmate or twin flame on a relationship for that reason.
While all relationships we have throughout our lives can hold meaning, some seek out deeper meaning in certain relationships to justify the pain they experience as a result of that rejection in order to shield their fragile ego from the harsh realities of that rejection.
To accept such a reality would mean the necessity to admit that not only were they wrong about the relationship and any meaning it held in their minds, but it would also mean that the person who is the object of their affections really won't be changing their mind about rejecting them, and that the rejection was in fact permanent and real.
That explained, it's my take that choosing a healthy path is always best. If a person rejects you, they may have done so for a reason, maybe even reasons known only to them. Does it really matter why they rejected you? The fact of the matter is that they have, and that's okay because rejection is a part of life that everyone as human beings has to contend with at one point or another in life.
If we fail to understand and accept that rejection is just another aspect in life and if we also fail to learn how to regulate our feelings and emotional responses surrounding rejection, we can wind up engaging in what is referred to as "unwanted pursuit behaviors" toward the person who rejects us.
That is, when someone refuses to accept rejection by another person and proceeds to pursue that individual, though that individual has made it plainly clear that our advances and efforts of pursuit are undesired and unappreciated.
While it's true that in some cases those who rejected us may end up deciding to change their minds, it's a very rare thing that this happens. That also said, if we are rejected, it's important to approach our feelings about the rejection in a positive and healthy manner.
In most situations though, we're attracted to those who are attracted to us. If this was not the case, then no one would ever know who our soulmates or twin flames were because we wouldn't recognize them, nor would they recognize us, right? That old saying that "water seeks its own level" rings true here. So if you have an intuitive sense about you that someone is attracted to you and they are speaking and behaving in ways that reflect this, then chances are that you're correct in your sense that they're interested in you.
When you've picked up on the fact someone's interested (assuming you're equally interested too) then it's sometimes helpful to let them know. It's very sweet to watch two people who are attracted to one another do that adorable little "dance" around each other testing the waters so to speak as they gauge their interests. I love seeing couples come together, from that initial meeting stage to testing the attraction to reaching their relationship goals together. It's truly a beautiful thing.
People are individuals of course, so how someone gauges another's interest is oftentimes a personal process.
You probably have your own unique love story about how you met your soulmate or twin flame, and how you two ended up connecting, coming to know each other and getting together. You might even have a little scrapbook of your relationship together. Lots of couples share one of those, where you keep your mementos and happy memories you can look back on in years to come. If you don't keep one, that's okay too. Each couple is unique in their own right. I think it's sweet though, how you can revisit your happy memories and see your relationship unfold like that over time.
Anyway, I hope this helps you! Blessings XO