How To: Speak The Language Of Love

I love foreign languages but they are not my forte. My mother was a linguist and professor of foreign languages, so I grew up around 7 different languages. Of course I can only speak English, as it is mom who is the language genius, but I digress... By the time I was 2 years-old, I was reciting the alphabet in French from my crib. That was because she taught it to me. Of course, by this time, I have forgotten most of what my mother taught us over the years. But there's one language that is universal: the language of love.

Men and women often seem to have gaps and disconnects in communication, especially pertaining to relationships. Dr. John Gray even authored a book entitled, 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.' In his book, he outlines the communication barrier between men and women. Even though women can seemingly express their needs, desires and feelings through words, the common trend is that women complain that their partner is "deaf" to their words. This causes a rift in the connection in the relationship, which can lead you down a path to destruction.

I have a female client who has an issue communicating with some of her employees. It is not her fault; it's the communication barrier. She says that her employees are deaf to her words, or that they hear something different than she's actually saying. Often, she finds herself asking, "What did you hear me say?" simply to confirm that the employee hears her words accurately and correctly. Ironically, I also have a friend who has a similar issue regarding his employees. This is not his fault; again, this is the communication barrier.

I conduct sessions often. The majority of my girls end up transitioning from a metaphysical session in appointment 1 once they have the relationship they wanted, to relationship coaching to keep things great for appointment number 2. It's an amazing tool when you have a psychic relationship coach, I assure you, and I love what I do. One of the most common questions my girls present is, "What did he mean when he said...?"

Men mean what they say and do not hide veiled messages within their statements. Men's statements are 96% based on logic, alone. Men do not "read into" anything a woman says or does.

Women often say things they don't mean due to emotions. Women also are prolific "hint droppers" and will drop hints to a man through words and actions. Women try to read into everything others say, including things their man says.

Because men are logical creatures and mean exactly what they say, I have an exercise that I do with my girls to help teach them "how to read their man."

One of my female clients came to me the other day asking what her man meant in the text he'd sent her. Knowing that she does not speak Vietnamese, I played a beautiful recording of my friend speaking Vietnamese. (I think the Vietnamese language is amazingly beautiful.) When the recording was over, I asked her what she thought it meant. She said she didn't know. I explained that she didn't know, because she didn't speak Vietnamese. I asked her to listen again, this time listening specifically to the tone and inflection in her voice. After I played the recording a second time, she said that the voice sounded very sad, and that the speaker must be sad.

I translated the recording...

My Vietnamese friend had actually said on the recording, "This is the most beautiful cookie I have ever seen. It is also delicious. I am so excited to be enjoying this wonderful treat."

I explained to my client that while it's easy to pick up on tone and inflection in someone's voice, it doesn't necessarily relate to what they are saying. The truth was, I had baked cookies and fed some to my friend, who enjoyed them very much and took some home. My friend was not the least bit sad; she was actually thrilled to be receiving a present of cookies I'd baked for her.

My clients do not understand what my beautiful Vietnamese friend is saying, because they don't speak her language.

I have conducted this experiment at least 100 times. Out of that, only 16 have gotten it right regarding reading into my friend's voice recording as far as tone and inflection. So you see, women read into the tone and inflection of voices most of the time, which means that most of the time when they're listening to the person they're having a hard time understanding, they are WRONG. There has also been a study conducted internationally by a dedicated research group that I recall reading about that proved that when women try to assume or guess or read into what a man is feeling or thinking, 53% of the time they are WRONG. 

Shocking statistics, don't you agree?

That said, when we try to interpret what a man is thinking or feeling based on what WE FEEL AT THE TIME, we are wrong at least 53% of the time. This means that more than half the time, we are incorrect regarding what a man is thinking or feeling in a dating or romantic relationship. Wow.

That also said, the next part of the exercise is to have my clients write down exactly what the text message said, or what his words were, verbatim, exactly, word for word. They say, "But I already know what he said, I want to know what he MEANT!" I say, write his words down, anyway. When they write down his words, I ask them to read the words on paper, aloud.

When they read the words that they see on paper aloud the 1st time, often they are still confused as to what he really meant. I say, "Don't try to read anything into these words. Simply read them aloud."

They read the written words aloud a 2nd time...

They hear themselves say aloud, whatever it was that their man had written or said. In one case, the written words in question were as follows:
"I still love you. But I am not "in love" with you anymore. I need space and time to figure out what it is that I really want. Please afford me that courtesy."

When she said these words aloud several times in a row, she finally got it.

He still loves her.
He isn't feeling "in love" with her anymore, not sufficiently as he feels he should.
He needs time and space to figure out what he wants.
He is asking for that needed time and space right now.

Then my client asked, "But how does he feel about me?"

I know this answer but I allowed her to figure it out on her own. We did the exercise again, twice. Then, she got it!

(If you want to know how their story ended: I created a situation-specific protocol for her to follow which would bring him back to her. It worked. It worked very fast, actually. They are now happily together. They became engaged last week. They're to be joined in February. I'll try to make it to the wedding celebration.)

You see, men say what they MEAN and they mean what they SAY.
You see, women try to read into different things and often, they're things that have nothing to do with the man in the first place. Once you understand that men are very logical and literal creatures, men become very easy to understand and interpret.

Men and women also make different contributions to the relationship. While a man may contribute his skills as a protector/provider/comforter, women contribute differently as caregivers/nurturers/nesters. Both contribute and both require praise and admiration for their contributions. When one is not receiving as much as they're giving, they communicate. It's vital to understand the communication, as it's vital to the connection as well as to the relationship.

When the communication is clear, you will continue running down the same path, together. When communication is unclear, men and women end up on two different paths. Make sure that you and your partner are communicating in the same language. 

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